Eleven weeks ago I got a tattoo of a white rabbit on my shoulder and a woman named Julie said to me:
Just now, 11 weeks later, I responded back in this way:
I went to my hairdresser this week, the one with the Harry Potter magic wand tattooed on her arm, and first I told her that my change in hairstyles always proceeds my next big life change, and then I told her I would like to grow my hair out even though the last time I visited her (6 months ago) I told her my Amelie haircut may just be the only ever haircut I have for the rest of my life.
I made a decision in 2008 to pick a word for the year (something I had never done before), and that word was FREE.
Here is what I wrote at the very end of 2007:
I believe with that decision I took a life-altering step that tossed me down a rabbit hole and only just now, on March 23, 2017, am I being spit back out of the hole, whole, and with a light-hearted commitment to willingly follow this white rabbit wherever it wants to go from here on out because I am a fan of this wildly unpredictable adventure. I mean, that last step was a doozy!
There are all sort of secret messages that show me I am completing a cycle:
- The resurfacing of the word vulnerable.
- The desire to return to my original Messy Canvas blog, and searching up and reading any old posts I can find via The Way Back Machine.
- A new deck of tarot cards that connect me to a longtime friend, with an even older story that is integral to me first daring to call myself an artist.
- A box of Crayola markers and Moonlight Gelly Roll pens that I purchased for myself and they made me cry.
- My dusted off guitar, my out of shape vocal chords fumbling through verse after verse of Leonard Cohen's Broken Hallelujah and truly even the act of writing words in dust.
- Reconnecting with and feeling sentimental about kindred spirits who have context for my "before and after" stories, just as I have context for theirs.
- An ankle sprain that got me back on my yoga mat consistently.
- A walk through a park alone.
- Last week while forehead deep in a Spring Break Art Camp for kids I experienced a deep reconnection and surrender to who I am as a Messy Canvas human while coming to my own end and finding peace there.
- A "blast from the past message" my husband received from an old friend and the knowing that in this skin I have lived several different lifetimes already.
- That I am approaching my final year of living in my 30's.
- Things that are coming out in my morning pages, as I am re-membering where I left off 8-10 years ago. It feels so good to know I AM back in a new way because I know I've been working towards this moment right here since I first took the plunge into that rabbit hole marked FREE.
- The synchronicity of this secret message that I designed well in advance for this very month, and hearing about how at least one other soul is feeling its truth and magic and timeliness too.
If the last ten years have been my trip through Wonderland, then I want to mark this day with a milestone that says I have now officially entered Through the Looking Glass, where everything appears the same, but having crossed the pane of that mirror I know the room is entirely different because I am now truly on the Other Side of Everything. (It is not coincidence that my daughter picked for us to watch that movie just last weekend.)
I love that I could go on and on with this list. It is so enticing how utterly complete this cycle is for me. The evidence is flabbergasting.