TO CELEBRATE THE OCTOBER RELEASE OF MY BOOK THRASHING ABOUT WITH GOD, AND TO EXPAND THE CONVERSATION BEYOND MYSELF, I HAVE ASKED 31 BRAVE PEOPLE TO SHARE A GUEST POST WITH THE THEME OF #IAMTHRASHING. THESE ARE PEOPLE I HAVE PERSONALLY DIALOGUED WITH, PEOPLE WHO I KNOW HAVE RISKED A LOT TO WRESTLE WITH THE HARD STUFF THAT COMES WITH SPIRITUALITY. OUR FAITH MAY NOT LOOK LIKE YOURS, BUT WE WELCOME YOU TO THE DISCUSSION.
My thrashing is not delicate. I will not apologize, but I do want to be clear. My thrashing only really became effective once I stopped trying to make it delicate.
Oh, HELL NO!
This is not, not, NOT what I had planned.
Tuck me away, give me a robe, give me a yoga mat, a vegetarian diet and a hard bed to sleep on. Send me to a foreign country and make me a freak of spirituality; of course I'll shave my head and meditate 8 hours a day and not get married or have sex or have a home. I'll do all of that and shine like a star in the heavenly reaches. I'll live up there with you, dear God, and live like an angel with a killer lithe body and a kick-ass spiritual story. But, don't make me be here, on earth, chained to my body, my babies, my doing and my dailies. You have got to be fucking with me! This is not, not, NOT my calling and could NOT be what you would do with my amazing spiritual gifts.
I was made to be tucked away in an ethereal, other-worldly, enchanting, sacred, removed space. I was made to spend my days meditating, thinking, learning, and growing deeper into my spiritual self. Tuck me away and let me soar and soar and soar...
I am not meant to crash down from my androgynous heaven. I am not meant to land squarely in my female matter with flesh showing, body bulging, sweat pouring, arms overflowing, all-night rising, and daytime trudging.
Okay, yes, I admit that everything is saying it's time to be here now. But how could it be time for me to be a woman with babies? A woman in a world split open, with the whole of it gone black? How could it be time to be nothing that I know myself to be? Do you realize, dear God, that I now have no time to figure out what to do when I have no time?
Yes, I agree that all signs say its time to embody, to become acceptance, to live through a burning fire. But, I hope You can appreciate that everyday I watch everything I love, know, understand, and need crowded out by blackness. How could it possibly be time to incarnate a human woman, a human-mama-woman that is called upon to do all things not removed, not ethereal, not scholastic, and not spiritual.
What the Fuck?!
Janae is awesome. She is a faithful practitioner of heretical Love and speaking the Holy shit. She is lifetimes old and is trying to incarnate fully this time around. She can be found at:: janaecharlotte.wordpress.com