TO CELEBRATE THE OCTOBER RELEASE OF MY BOOK THRASHING ABOUT WITH GOD, AND TO EXPAND THE CONVERSATION BEYOND MYSELF, I HAVE ASKED 31 BRAVE PEOPLE TO SHARE A GUEST POST WITH THE THEME OF #IAMTHRASHING. THESE ARE PEOPLE I HAVE PERSONALLY DIALOGUED WITH, PEOPLE WHO I KNOW HAVE RISKED A LOT TO WRESTLE WITH THE HARD STUFF THAT COMES WITH SPIRITUALITY. OUR FAITH MAY NOT LOOK LIKE YOURS, BUT WE WELCOME YOU TO THE DISCUSSION.
Sitting there, feeling the wind, it rushing through the air and the tree leaves around me. Rustling. And stirring my soul. I feel my soul, connected with the wind. With mama earth. And with the mystical happenings that I can’t quite put my finger on. I take those feelings and bury them deep within myself. I gather myself up. And I throw myself deep within a religion that I want to believe in but that scares me all the same.
I am a child. And I fear the thoughts inside my own head. They contradict everything I am being taught, sitting in the pew, wearing my Sunday’s best. I get baptized into something, I am not even sure I believe, but that I feel maybe, maybe it’s because I am not baptized. Maybe if I do this, it will all make sense. Something will click. But it doesn’t.
I continue on and I become more and more fearful of this God.
I am lost.
More red flags are raised along my journey. But again, I just follow along. Into the deceit of my own doing. I ignore my intuitions for so long that I am lead, stumbling and out of breath, into a group I just can’t belong to. The outcast. And screaming from my core.
And in one bold move, I just stop going to church. For the first 22 years of my life I have gone to church pretty regularly. And then, I went cold turkey. That, that was a scary and giant leap of faith I took in myself, for once. I decided to have faith in my intuition again.
I have found myself, winding and twisting. Breaking and mending. This road I am on, it seems to take a major, slow to 10 miles per hour, curves around mountains almost every other day. And I am here. Scaling the mountain. Bleeding and picking the rocks out of the scrapes in my knees, bending down in prayer.
And for a moment in time, I thought the answer was to forget everything I was ever taught, throw my childhood out the window, to really find what I am looking for. But right now, I am seeing the teachings of my childhood, and the child that also felt power in the wind, I am seeing them meld.
There is god in everything. And goddess to balance.
And I am here, embracing Mary Magdalene, as I spend my days crying. Crying out to the universe. Feeling misunderstood and misrepresented. And I am honing her.
All my life I tried to avoid labels, to the point of recklessness. And here I am today, embracing the label, “Witch,” as that little girl on the hillside, that tucked her truths so far deep inside that it took over 20 years to find them again, comes to play and guide my intuitive self. The one that has always been there, weaving magic silently.
And I see now that the tradition I ran from, it has made me today, making traditions of my own. Weaving magic openly, into my family life and into the world. The God I was taught to fear has morphed into pure love and a dual figure. Man and woman. But even more so, Gaia and the Sky. Water and fire. All in alignment and all with a deep and meaningful purpose in my life.
And every day, I thrash. With bruised lips and cracked ribs, I breathe through the pain.
And the most important thing I’ve learned, I am not afraid to fall.
Katelyn Demidow: Growing up I was raised Baptist Christian. After the birth of my first daughter I started to question everything I ever knew and was taught. After the the birth of my second child this was then amplified tenfold. I am now embracing myself as a spiritual being. Religion is not for me. This is my journey. To my inner being. To learning my soul and what I have to offer. Through that learning I am embracing myself for who I knew to be as a young child. A witchy mama. So really, it's learning to come back home, to myself. I am passionate about natural birth. Eating clean, unprocessed foods. I am here to help others in their journey even if that is just to lend an ear. I have blessings to offer and healing to teach out of my own struggles and hardships that this life has brought me. And you know? I wouldn't change a single one.
I welcome you to my Gypsy Moth Sol space.