I know, I know. There are leaves and grass and dirt all over your boys' bedroom, residual droppings from a day spent carrying their blankets and pillows out into the front yard where they built a winter fort in a tent with the neighbor. I know, they don't care. They would just soon bring all the outdoors indoors, on their shoes, on their coat sleeves, in their hair. The need to clean it up is lost on them.
And I know, the dirt isn't all. There are dominoes everywhere from a game played nearly a month ago and string and rope and stuffed animals and dress-up attire - a spiderman mask, a pirate flag, a cowboy hat. And legos, oh my gosh the legos. And these things, they are all mixed in with the dirt, like some hodgepodge of crunchy granola for a hungry monster.
That's just one room, and you can walk out of that room and follow the droppings around the house. Socks with no matches. Who knows if they are dirty or clean? Pencils and pens and abandoned drawings. Hair ties and lollipop sticks and rocks. There is that and there is laundry and there is groceries and there is thinking through schedules to make sure everyone gets to play with a friend and don't forget that eye appointment that is "overdue."
There is no Napoleon Dynamite who trained you a wild honeymoon stallion to ride you off into the sunset. There is just you and this life. Your life.
But what do you need? Do you really need to runaway from it all? Isn't this the paint that colours your life. The outdoors coming in, the socks, the stuffed animals that will soon enough be looking for a new secondhand life as the kids grow out of them.
What you need is to be seen. To feel some relief. A brief instant.
Stumbling upon Stargardener's Knight in Shining Armor might do it for you, as it did it for me. What does Arthur of the RoundTable have that you don't have? Seeing Teresa's way of making magic, in her kitchen turned art studio. To accept this life as it is and to see that there, standing boldly and proudly on the counter is a piece of plastic that is going to let what your husband described as a "drawn face" ease into a soft smile.
You didn't need much. You just needed some relief. Some ability to surrender into your life, as is. Some permission to stay because the magic is here, not somewhere "out there." To know that should you need rescued, there is always some magic within grasp you can conjure up. Your own Knight in Shining Armor to salute you and swing you up onto a wild stallion, so the wind can blow in your hair and you can feel beautiful in this, your life.