When I originally created this secret message last Fall, the meaning behind it was that I don't have to explain myself to others when I don't want to. And this meaning still holds true for me today. But two weeks ago it struck me in a new way, that being - I don't have to explain myself to myself when I don't want to.
Let me explain. (HA HA HA! I'm going to explain to you a secret message about not explaining.)
My first ever tarot reading was done by a dear friend of mine in her hotel room. I took a photo of the cards she pulled for me, but I didn't know the name of the deck. She may have told me, but I was so new to tarot and there are so many decks that the name was lost on me.
Fast forward a few years and my friend passed away. More than anything I wanted to know the name of the deck she had done my first tarot reading with. I felt certain that it would contain secret messages for me like no other deck. In 2014, I contacted her brother to see if he had found the deck in her belongings, so I could get the name. We emailed back and forth a few times, but he wasn't able to find out. Eventually it was Beth from Little Red Tarot and her tarot community that was able to track down the name of the deck for me, using only my photo to figure it out. (By the way, if you're new to tarot, I recommend her course, The Alternative Tarot.) The deck is called Cosmic Tribe Tarot.
I sat on the knowledge for awhile, doubting myself that I really needed this deck. It didn't look like my style at all, but the connection to my friend was strong, and I enjoyed that. I ended up buying it in the Spring of this year as a reward for meeting a few teaching goals I had for myself. I figured if I had been that devoted to tracking it down I must really want it, even if it didn't make sense to me why.
Fast forward to today. It has become my favorite deck to work with to date. I got rid of 3 of my decks. I have 3 remaining including this one. So I've worked with 6 decks in total. If I had to describe this artwork I would call it trippy and psychedelic. Often when I pull a card, I'll think "why do I enjoy this so much?" I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT TO MYSELF. I just do.
It came with a book, and I love the card descriptions. It is so simple and yet complex. It is light-hearted and makes me laugh. I appreciate the humor and that the meanings don't feel heavy. I honestly don't know if I'd recommend it to another soul because it is so out there, but it is mine, and I love it.
I believe sometimes we fear we can't trust our intuition because if we act on it we will have to explain ourselves. Maybe explain ourselves to others or maybe explain ourselves to ourselves, but an explanation will be necessary at some point.
I thought if I was having a feeling of fear, trusting myself meant trusting my fear. When my friend Lakin was visiting recently, she said to me that she believes her feelings are separate from her intuition - her sense of knowing. Hearing this was like gold to me. What I'm learning is that feelings and intuition ARE separate. The book Letting Go has been huge in helping me decipher this in my own life as well. I finally returned it to the library today (after having it for four weeks) and bought my own kindle version for reference.) When I say I listen to myself, it does not have to mean I listen to my feelings and let them tell me what to do. My feelings can be listened to, as in:
"Hello, Fear, I know you are there. It's okay you are, but I know from experience I can make this decision and still be okay, so I'm going to need to make it because I trust myself and hopefully you'll see then that there was no reason for you to be here, Fear."
I don't have to let the FEELING of fear - "Oh no, I'm choosing this and I don't know why" - make my choices or eliminate my choices for me. From documenting my feelings, I know this about myself - fear is a reoccurring feeling, and that feeling will not stay.
Previously I thought if I didn't do what my feeling (in this case fear) was telling me to do, then I wasn't being self-reliant. But this year long study in self-reliance that I am conducting through the Secret Message Society zines, is teaching me that my feelings are like The Wheel card in tarot - always shifting. Wait around long enough and you'll see a new one pass by. So my choices come from the core of me...my intuition, which I believe can be trained like any muscle. I practice trusting myself, and I run experiments and I take risks, and I learn learn learn, and I show fear it wasn't grounded in the first place. I have learned that I don't have to give my fear a well thought out explanation for going against its recommendation. I can just know the fear is here and the fear will go, and then the fear will come back again and then the fear will go. I can train fear to work for me.
I'm realizing with this deck that I don't need to know why. It works. I love it. It makes me happy and warm and excited about my life, which are also FEELINGS, and the kind I want to bring into my life as much as possible (because woo hoo, less time for feeling fear). I even love the thrill of surprising myself by liking something I wouldn't normally like. It is fun to have fun without needing to explain why it is fun. To know intuitively that something is fun and right for me, without needing the energy drain or mental strain of explaining why, why, why.